Cowering from Conflict

What's so awful about conflict? We humans don't seem to lack a propensity for war or self-destruction. Why do we shy away from conflict? In today's organizations, there is no more fearful event in the mind of an employee than the engagement in conflict, yet that employee may be "in" conflict on a continual basis. The most powerful conflict is the one that implodes from within us. We are sometimes in conflict with ourselves. Yes, the conflict between who we are and who we want others to think we are sacrifices our integrity. Or, perhaps we experience the conflict between what we are thinking or saying and how we are behaving or doing, and then sacrifice our self-respect. Another conflict may be between what we feel inside and what we actually express to others, and thus sacrifice integrity in our relationships.

This inner struggle can interfere with the integration of our personality with our workplace reality. Let's explore these conflicts a bit more. Any real change begins with an awareness of where we are, but we may consider being a bit easy with our assessment. The choices we make in our life are the result of the meaning we make out of challenges that come our way. Each of us has a life blueprint that keeps evolving as we live longer. The blueprint is a design of who we have become, so far. The twists and turns are filled with what we may regard as losses and gains, but each builds toward our current life experience. We cannot undo who we have become, but we can honor it and make peace with where we are. When we do, resistance falls away from us, and we are then positioned to become more.

I recently kicked off a culture change initiative at an organization. The kickoff event was held as a meeting of appropximately 100 employees. During the Q&A portion of the program, a courageous young man asked me if I was concerned that people in the rear of the room were sometimes talking during my presentation. The room fell uncharacteristically silent, as the audience waited for my reply. I acknowledged his concern, and then described how I don't take anything personally, because I realize that there are multiple ways in which people make sense of what they hear. There are PLE's - perfectly logical explanations - for everything. The problem is that another person's meaning making may not be the same as mine.

Some folks disagree or are skeptical of any change. Others silently argue with whatever is proposed. Some are processing the information carefully, making associations to past experiences. Some people are stimulated by the possibilities or their negative thoughts and want to discuss their views immediately. Others are habitually distrustful of any attempt to change their experience. Whatever the explanation is, the individual is the master of that meaning. I can only begin to understand if I choose to ask specific questions of others, or listen carefully to what they are saying, and then check my understanding of what I have heard.

The energy I expend trying to get inside someone else's thoughts, as a precondition for making a choice, will inevitably exacerbate any conflict I already have.  And in the example of people talking during my formal presentation, well, I have a choice to be angry and frustrated, as if I know what specifcally to be angry about, or I can be curious or hopeful or optimistic, and feel good. When I respond with anger, I am usually wrong, because I don't have all the meaning that others are attributing to a situation. I simply cannot trust that my assumptions about what people intend are accurate. So, what if I have a negative judgment and it's right? If I invest energy in being right, I will reach a dead end in the relationship, because if I am right, the other person must be wrong. Our natural tendency is to seek allies, even in our negativity. So, to be in a workplace with someone who is "wrong," can lead to a false sense of power and legitimacy. Each of us has perspectives that are right for us.

Rules and laws provide some boundaries, but we have tremendous freedom to form our own thoughts. We can then choose to think of our experience as challenging and conflictual or we can seek relief from the heaviness and choose to take nothing personally. We can limit the assumptions we make about another person's behaviors. We can face our own inner conflicts, and then be prepared to enter into a negotiation of different perspectives. The journey toward resolution of conflict starts within and advances when we see others as whole and capable of having a perspective that reflects their reality, their life experiences, and their desires for a better, more fulfilling existence.